What a True Warrior Would Be
by Princesa Escura
Summary: (Ahem, yeah, wasn't thinking too much about the title... ) This is basically a spoof I made from playing the first Dragon Warrior. I'll probably continue on into the next games as I play them. Basically pretty much a drunk for the hero and what would happ
1. What it takes to be a real hero

_A/N: I own nothing of course... so no one can sue me! They'll get nothing from it! A horrible waste of time!_

What it takes to be a real hero-

A drunken Suzumi stumbles into the present of his majesty the king of… some castle. She spends quite a bit of time talking to a wall before one of the guards finally takes pity on her and turns her to the king. "Hey! King guy! Good to see yous!"

"I am greatly pleased that thou hast returned, Suzumi."

Suzumi blinks confusedly at the king. She knew he was talking to her, as he'd said her name. "Well, that's all well and good sire. But really, could you not put in so many thou's and hasts. I don't understand anything you said except for my name. And I could have sworn you said it in an odd way too."

In her drunken stupor, she glares at the kings. When did there get to be more than one king in this country anyway? Does the man have clones of himself? That's sort of worrisome. Perhaps after she finished talking to… them… she'd go get herself a drink to clear her head.

"Before reaching thy next level of experience thou must gain 5 points."

Standing before the man was getting sort of tiring, so Suzumi had taken the throne to the man's left. "Whoa, whoa, there. I'm not experiencing anything with you, Misters. You can just keep away from me, I don't want your scepter coming within two feet of me."

"Will thou tell me now of thy deeds so they won't be forgotten?"

Suzumi brightened and lurched closer, quite past the two feet she had previously specified. "Now here's something that I'll tell you gladly! Why didn't you ask this before, you know before the thou and the hast and that other crap?"

The king sat, waiting ever so impatiently for Suzumi to tell her tell. "Okay! Okay! Don't give me that look, King guy. You see. I went down to the Inn in the town and got drunk with the guard for your little jail. Then the prisoner and me went out on a little rampage. Well, guess it wasn't little; we destroyed half the countryside. Who knew that people and houses were that flammable?"

Suzumi laughed obnoxiously as she leaned drunkenly into the king's lap. "Then after that, I wandered over to this here castle and had a nice time talking to your guards. They really appreciated me giving all of them the week off. Oh and my friend the prisoner wants to have a word with you later. Something about he's going to gut you like a fish or something or other."

"But yeah, that's how I came to be here, talking to the nice people here. Well, except for the bastard before you, he was so silent and still. Wonder if he's still alive." Suzumi cast a wary gaze to the wall.

"Thy deeds have been recorded on Imperial Scrolls of Honor."

Suzumi turned away from the wall and poked a finger into the king's eye. "Who told you that you could write down anything of my deeds? I can sue you for that Mr. High and Mighty. In fact, I will and I'll get everything you own. Which is only this dump of a castle now, as I've burned everything else."

"Dost thou wish to continue thy quest?"

Suzumi raised an eyebrow, or tried too at least. She ended up making so horrible a face that one would have thought she was insane… or drunk, as she is. "What? I need your permission to continue doing stuff? Well screw you, King guys. I don't need you to tell me what to do. I can find my way to a bar just fine without any of yous." Suzumi turned and started making her way to the stairs.

"Goodbye now Suzumi. Take care and tempt not the Fates."

Suzumi spun around so fast that she staggered around, dizzy for a few seconds. "Did you just threaten me, Mister? Screw getting the lawyer, you're going to shut your yap for good."

Suzumi reached out and took a sword from one of the guards, who happened to be having a nice conversation with a wall. "See if that guy's okay." Turning back to the king, she flung the sword across the room and ended up skewering him through the head.

Satisfied that he would no longer be bothering her, Suzumi made her way to the stairs. "Hey! How do you work these things? I can't seem to go down. You have to go to the menu! Ah… this sucks! Why can't they just let me step on them and get over with? Ah there we go!" Finally finding out how to get down the stairs, Suzumi falls down them head first and unfazed, gets back up and leaves for the nearest bar.


	2. The hazards of fighting

_A/N: And again, suing me would be a waste of time. It's not like I'm claiming to own Dragon Warrior. Because I'm not... _

The hazards of fighting-

The Hero, Suzumi, stumbled along outside the castle grounds, quite intent on reaching a new town. The booze in the city had lasted a great many weeks, but had unfortunately run out. It was her own fault for drinking so much of it, but she'd handily blamed a nearby guard and escaped the riot that ensued.

"A slime draws near!"

Suzumi jumped and looked around for whoever had spoken. "I can see… you dumbass."

"Command?"

A strange gnome wandered close, carrying cue cards. On the cue cards were her options in the fight with the blue blob in front of her. "Hmm… there's no skewer and roast over an open fire. How in the world am I going to get anything to eat if all I do is fight and walk away?"

"You have selected fight."

"Huh! When the hell did I do that? I want to skewer and cook the bastard!" Suzumi lunged forward and attacks the slime.

"It is dodging!"

The slime hadn't moved an inch from his previous position. Suzumi stepped back and stared angrily at the slime. "Really, that's funny. I know I'm drunk and all, but the stupid bugger didn't move!"

"The slime attacks! Thy hit points decrease by 1!"

Again, the slime hadn't moved an inch. Yet oddly, she felt as if they little bastard had poked her in the toe. "You stupid little donkey fucker!"

"Command?"

"Oh, I am so going to find you and kill you as well."

"You have selected fight."

A vein in Suzumi's forehead twitched. "Fine… have it your way." Suzumi walked carefully over to the slime. The thing seemed to be gloating away, without moving an inch. How did the thing do it?

Sick of letting it live, She violently begins hacking away at it. "Suzumi attacks! The slime's hit points have been reduced by 26. Thou hast done well in defeating the slime."

"Oh gee, thanks so much for the commentary. Like I give a flying leap about that, as long as it dies and I can cook it!"

"Thy experience increases by 1. Thy gold increases by 1."

"Whoa, whoa now! I didn't have an experience with that thing or with your disembodied voice. I don't know what's wrong with the people in this country, but I'm not a whore! So you can take your gold and shove it!"

Suzumi quickly skewered the slime onto her shiny copper sword and roasted it over a flame. "This thing tastes funny. Doesn't this country have any tasty monsters?"

"A green dragon draws near!"

"Holy fuck shit."

"Thou hast thy ass handth to thou."


	3. The love of a princess

_A/N: No sue! Sue bad! (And I think I can stop saying this now... I hope... -)_

The love of a princess-

Suzumi groaned slightly as a bright light was shined into her eyes. She found herself staring up into the face of a man that should be dead. Her eyes narrowed as she focused on the specter.

"Death should not have taken thee, Suzumi."

Suzumi let out a scream and made an undignified scramble away from the man. "Death shouldn't have taken me! What about you! You should be dead! Dead in the ground!"

"I will give thee another chance."

Her hand clutched her sword painfully. "Give me another chance will he?" Suzumi grumbled angrily under her breathe.

"Now, go, Suzumi!"

Thoroughly dismissed, Suzumi pulled herself off the ground and forced herself not to kill the man again. Why was it so hard for these people to just die? Before she could make it out of the throne room a guard stepped into her path.

"Dost thou know about Princess Gwaelin?"

Suzumi stared blankly at the man. He was probably going to ask her for something in a minute. Something she wasn't going to like. "No, I don't know about the freaking princess. I don't give a damn!"

The man continued despite being shot down. "Half a year now hast passed since the princess was kidnapped by the enemy. Never does the King speak of it, but he must be suffering much. Suzumi, please save the princess."

She was fairly certain her eye was beginning to twitch when she heard another guard start whispering about the enemy. All Suzumi heard were the words 'green dragon'. Suzumi leapt clear across the room to grab the guard in a stranglehold. "Did you say green dragon?"

The man was too frightened for words but managed to nod. Suzumi growled slightly as she flung the man away from her. He smashed hard into the wall, his head making a hollow thud. "I don't care about the princess, but that green dragon's going to pay for killing me."

Later that day…

It had taken Suzumi most of the day to find the whereabouts of the green dragon. Most people were too scared to speak to her or they seemed to want to get in her way. She wasn't sure which, but there was a pile of dead bodies none-the-less.

She stood on the outreaches of the swamp. It didn't look very clean, and who knows what crap was at the bottom. Shuddering, Suzumi took a step forward and felt something nip at her heel. "What the hell?" She stood still for a moment but didn't feel it again.

Taking another step, Suzumi felt it again. "I don't have time for this crap." Suzumi growled lightly and ran forward into the swamp cave. Upon entering the nipping stopped, but it was pitch dark.

She rubbed her head slightly; there was a spell she learned recently that could help. What was it again? "Radical!" Nothing happened. Perhaps it had something to with light, it'd make sense anyway. "Flame!" The darkness seemed to be getting blacker just to taunt her.

"Radiant!" Finally a light burst into being above Suzumi, blinding her for a minute. "About bloody time, damn I need a drink." She listened for a moment before moving further into the cave, towards a shuffling noise.

"A green dragon draws near!"

Suzumi jumped as the dragon seemed to appear completely out of nowhere. It was the same thing that chomped and eat and killed her earlier. Suzumi drew her new weapon and prepared to fight the thing.

"Command?"

The same gnome from every other fight came forward. Rather annoyed to see him, Suzumi took it's cue cards and scratched out the commands for Fight and Magic. Fight became 'Shove sword up monster's ass' and Magic became 'Make big boom'.

"You have selected fight."

Suzumi exploded, killing both the gnome and the green dragon. She was soon soaked in blood and guts. "Too think things have so much blood in them." Walking further down the path the dragon had been protecting, Suzumi found a locked door. "Open, or not open." Thoughts of treasure pushed her to unlock the door, but she didn't find any sort of treasure.

"Thou art brave indeed to rescue me, Suzumi. I am Gwaelin, Daughter of Lorik. Will thou take me to the castle?"

Ignoring the girl, who was staring at her with what amounted to hero worship in her eyes, Suzumi eyed the interior of the room. There was nothing, no treasure, no gold, not even anything that showed the princess had been living there for half a year. Suzumi turned her attention back to the girl. "Take yourself back, you can walk, dumb whore."

"But thou must."

Suzumi felt the intense urge to kill her and blame her death on the dragon. "Fine. But that's it."

The girl lunged forward and attached herself to Suzumi. "I'm so happy."

That was sort of obvious as the girl was grabbing her ass. "I am so dropping you into the nearest ocean." Suzumi used her magic to get them outside the cave and back to the castle. The girl hanged off her like a monkey. "Do you mind? You're choking me." Gwaelin just held on tighter.

Realizing the King may be her only chance to get her off, Suzumi hurried to the throne room. The King and a guard had been playing cards in her absence; they quickly hid them with a guilty look.

"Forever shall I be grateful for the gift of my daughter returned to her home, Suzumi. Accept my thanks. Now Gwaelin, come to my side."

Gwaelin finally released her hold on Suzumi's neck and went to her father. After whispering to him for a moment, she turned back to Suzumi.

"Wait a moment, please. I would like to give a present to Suzumi. Please accept my love, Suzumi. Even when we tow are parted by great distances, I shall be with thee. Farewell, Suzumi."

Gwaelin handed Suzumi 'her love'. "Why does this thing look like a walkie-talkie?" Suzumi peeled off a sticker saying "Gwaelin's love'. "It is a walkie-talkie! What the hell do I need with this piece of crap! I want money!" Pissed, Suzumi turned and stormed out of the room. "I am so selling this thing."

"Heed my voice, Suzumi for this is Gwaelin."

Suzumi hadn't made it quite out of the castle gates yet. "What the fucking hell!" She pulled the walkie-talkie from her bag and stared at it.

"To reach the next level thou must raise thy experience points by 2,974. My hope is with thee. I love thee, Suzumi."

She was sure the vein in her forehead was going to burst. "Hey, what's that you have there?" One of the guards was staring at the walkie-talkie in her hand. "It's a gift for you." Suzumi pushed the thing into his hand and made a run for it.

"Suzumi? Suzumi! Come back my love!"

Suzumi let out a scream and kept running. She didn't stop upon reaching the swamp cave; she didn't stop until she was at Rimuldar. Upon reaching the town, she set up housekeeping at the bar and refused to leave.


End file.
